September 20, 2014

LETTING GO & MOVING ON IS HARD AND HOLY WORK

so i woke up to this on my front door this week




it's a lock box. it gives realtors uncomplicated access to our home so they can show it and sell it.

there is nothing uncomplicated about the feelings we have in regards to this lock box.
our home is listed. we are not the home owners. we won't benefit from the sale. 

there have been showings and people coming thru and they are looking to buy our home right out from under us. the nerve!

it's just a matter of time before we are forced to leave.

that lock box makes the impending move that much more real. it makes the futility of our thus far search feel that much more overwhelming.

that lock box is an unwelcome reminder that we are being called to let go.

and then there is always the ache that this move is not our choice and i don't want to go. 

i don't want to let go and move on.

this is hard peeps. really hard. and it is hardest on my girl. she is struggling with stress, anxiety and anger and confused by it all. yeah. confused.

it has been breaking her down. over the last several weeks, she has become increasingly pensive and prickly and grumpy and sad. there have been many outbursts. it's been trying and frustrating to absorb.

the other day it really came to a head. she had been a dark and brooding storm cloud flashing white, hot anger all day long. and then there was one last brilliant display of eye rolling fury and this momster finally had enough.  

enough. enough. enough.

in a less-than-stellar momster moment, i was short and irritated - and unleashed my own tirade of huffing and puffing and i blew myself up.

voice raised, i bellowed,

 "STOP IT ALREADY. I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR ATTITUDE!"

well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black.

ultimately, this culminated with her curling up on the couch. unshed tears and quivering lip. and she looked so small and so sad and like the weight of the world was crushing her.

i had the sudden realization that there was something more going on here...this was beyond the fiercesome melodrama that is 11...

*palm to the forehead* moment

a momster needs to stay humble and soft and sometimes ask questions rather than correcting behavior. 

"i'm sorry i lost my cool, babe. you are not acting like you. i get the feeling that there is something more going on than what i'm seeing. do you want to talk about it?"

with her arms hugging her knees to close to her chest, she haltingly spoke, "i don't want to be like this. and i know i'm taking it out on parker and you. i don't want to. i just have so many feelings and im feeling so mad and stressed and confused by all of it."

and that is all it took. the tears rolled. slow motion droplets falling one at a time. and i knew. yeah, we're treading on holy ground and in my frustration, i nearly plowed thru it and steam rolled over a tender and breaking heart.

thank you Jesus for grace.

yes. i should have known right away. the behaviour is only a symptom of heart pain. and this one, she is a lot like her momster. she feels everything deeply. her heart is tender and sensitive. and her head is a busy and loud place to live - it is a symphony of complicated feelings and over powering emotions that beat a lively albeit exhausting rhythm from head to heart a million times a day.

how could i be so blind?
thank you jesus for your grace in matters of the heart.

and then, in a breathy expulsion, she says what is really on her mind and in her heart and what is weighing her down most.

she goes on the say;

how she feels a little like God is pulling the rug out from under her again.

how she's wondering how to keep moving forward when the ground keeps shifting beneath her feet.

how her biggest brother grew up and moved out and she still keenly feels a sense of loss over this. he lives close by and he comes round but it's different and our family is not the same and how very much she misses him.

how when momster and sparky started to feel a little bit better this summer and got well enough to do life again, that she finally felt like maybe she could start breathing again and then wham! she found out she has to move - her life got turned upside down and the wind got knocked out of her again.

yeah. i get that. this move has blindsided us all. i'm 41 and finding it hard. how much more so for one who is 11. leaving the only home she has ever known. her friends. her school. her life. it's all gonna change. and it isn't her choice. its not what any of us would choose. we don't want to go. we don't even know where to go. yet, we are being called to let go and move on.

"the hardest part about growing is letting go of what you were used to, and moving on with something you're not." ~unknown

letting go and moving on is hard and holy work.

and i realize that right now, i am treading on hard and holy ground with this one. and i don't entirely know what to say because there aren't easy answers and i know she knows that. she is under no illusions that life can be hard and unfair. she's had a crash course in that for the past 8 years. first momster got sick with lyme. then both her brothers got sick with it too. she has been witness to untold suffering and chaos and pain. 

she gets that life can hurt so bad that it makes it hard to breathe.

so i take a deep breath and say a prayer and i plunge head long into this hard and confusing terrain.

i hug her hard. and i let her tears fall. and i tell her it's ok to feel confused, to feel angry at God and to feel scared. life is hard. faith is hard. letting go is hard.

and i tell her i'm proud of her for being brave enough to share her feelings out loud. that she is not alone. that even big people struggle with this. that i feel the same way too. and that there aren't easy answers because life isn't easy nor is it fair. and how being a follower of Jesus doesn't mean you are sheltered from life's storms but that He promises to be our shelter in the midst of them. how life is going to throw you more than you can handle but Jesus, well, He is here to help us thru it. He can take it. He can handle all of our hard feelings and problems. in fact, He WANTS to handle them. He DIED to handle them. yeah. that. His death & resurrection on a cross well it showed us that He wants the best for us - and that His best is found in reliance on Him and trust in Him. 

that being said, often His best is not the path that feels the easiest or the most comfortable. no, actually, it's often the opposite. and it's hard because we don't see the whole picture, the whole plan like He does. we have to trust His eyes and His ears and His heart and believe that He is moving - that He is always moving and acting in our best interests...even when it is hard. even when it hurts.

yeah. this business of letting go and moving on is hard and holy work. and it requires us to be brave. life is going to knock the breath out of us but Jesus carries us in those moments and he carries us for as long as it takes us to catch our breath. and He can make us brave enough to let go and strong enough to move on.

in letting go, we grow more in Him. and we learn that He will never let go of us. never ever. letting go and moving on it is hard and holy work...but Jesus is with us. 



January 26, 2014

THESE TWO THINGS


i have spent the last 3 months in a desperate and lonely struggle for my body and mind. it is as if the ground opened up and swallowed me whole...and i have had no desire, inclination or ability to claw my way out of the pit. and i'm not out of it yet. not.even.close.

there have been no postings since november 4 because it has been bad. very bad. it all got a lot worse immediately following that last post.

it all just feels impossible to explain.


november and december passed by in a blur 
both sparky and i came down with pneumonia
that stretched on for 6 weeks

followed closely 
by a 4 week bout of strep 

my tremor and twitching attacks that i blogged about in my last post (started in october) are still ongoing
and
so is the never ending bouts of daily vomiting.

the bout of pneumonia exacerbated and significantly increased my vomiting and even though the pneumonia has now resolved, the vomiting has not decreased.

there appears to be no end in sight. 

my medical team is trying to figure it all out.

i have lost 11 pounds. i have adrenal and thyroid issues, soaring ACTH levels, hypoglycemia, anemia, blistering sores and rashes, hormonal imbalances, sound sensitivity, head pressure, nerve pain, insomnia, nausea, nutritional deficiencies, anxiety and panic attacks
and
the dog is pooping out my hair.


say what?

the dog is pooping out my hair.

yes. you read that correctly.

(my hair began its mass exodus in december. every where i go, i leave a trail of it behind me. the dog is swiffer-like and is always tailing me...you can use your imagination to fill in the rest of the details.)



like i said its all sort of unexplainable.

that's not even the worst of it
that's just the tip of the iceberg
but 
i don't currently have the words or the where with all to explain what lies submerged beneath the icy surface

to see me no one would ever know all that is going on
which complicates matters.
i look fine
maybe a bit thinner
but 
more or less, i look healthy

and
that just makes everything all the more difficult to explain

so i don't even try to explain it anymore

unless someone knows what to look for or sincerely wants to see it, i am invisible and so is my pain and struggle. and i suspect i'm not the only one who feels that way.
in fact, i am acutely aware that there are others that are hurting and fighting their own private battles. 

this week, i came across two things 
and i felt compelled to share them.

so i am crawling out of my cave of the unexplainable to share them.

the first is this letter that my daughter avery penned a few years back



and
the second is a post that was penned by my friend and fellow blogger, Michelle at My Lyme Symphony. reading it left me blessed me and weeping all in one breath. 

Please visit Michelle's blog, My Lyme Symphony to read the entire post.

Here's an excerpt from Michelle's post, to get you started - 


I understand you.

I understand the depth of what you go through. I understand the undercurrent of emotions. I understand that you've lost so much along the way. I understand not everybody can see it.

I understand how very different life is now. I understand your uncertainty. I understand those moments of despair. I understand the limitations and how frustrating they are. I understand the loneliness. I understand the brokenness. I understand the words that are often left unspoken.

click here to go directly to the rest of her post

may each of you somehow find comfort and peace amid the heartaches and heaviness in your life.


November 4, 2013

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

oops, i did the disappearing act again. darn! i was on such a roll with posting again and then whoosh, 3 weeks go by and nada. 

so what happened?

a few short days after the premiere airing of ticked off, we flew out to SF to see DR H. i planned on posting my thoughts about the documentary once we got down to SF. but, clearly, that did not happen.

so what did happen?

life.
lyme. 
and the roller coaster that life with lyme is.

so what happened?

in short; a sudden onslaught of nausea, increased vomiting and tremoring

in many ways, what happened is not explainable. 

it is often very hard to find the words to explain what happens in the world of lyme. my blog is meant to give a glimpse into what goes on behind closed doors but many times, it is just hard to find the words to describe what that looks like or how suddenly things can change. 

so we (graham and i) did something we've not ever done before - we filmed the sudden attack. we thought it might give folks a new perspective on what lyme looks like. lyme patients often hear "you don't look sick". what does sick look like anyway? lyme has a way of redefining that. after all, sick doesn't always look limp, pale and lethargic. 

at first, we just recorded a few seconds of footage but then, inspiration hit and we decided to make it into a "video blog" and share it on FB. we were completely caught off guard by the response we got... it made a huge impact and people wanted to share it as they found it to be a very useful awareness tool. so, i thought it would be a good idea to post it here on my blog as well. 

a short back story of what happened before:

this attack came on very suddenly during our second office visit of the week with DR H. prior to this, i had been feeling "ok". in fact, the day before, we had spent the day on the beach at santa cruz. i had started a new anti-microbial treatment protocol 6 days earlier so a herx reaction was somewhat expected - however, no one was expecting what happened to happen. just before the tremors started, i began throwing up. i have been dealing with daily vomiting episodes for 19 months now, so barfing is not out of the ordinary for me however, there had been a steady increase in the vomiting in the week leading up to this and it was accompanied by nausea. the nausea is a new thing. the vomiting began at DR H's office. before i knew it, he was IN the bathroom with me. shortly thereafter, the tremors and twitches came on. i am grateful that i was with DR H when the tremors started. he was very caring and reassuring and immediately implemented medical interventions but i have to admit, i was a bit mortified to be barfing my guts out in front of him.

here's the video footage we shared on FB. it has taken me quite awhile to post it here. it was filmed on october 17 in our hotel room in california- it is but a brief glimpse into what is happening...i promise, there is no footage of barfing!

video

so what happened since the video was shot?

we are home from california and mainly, we are just taking it one day at time as my medical team tries to sort all this out. i saw a specialist at a local hospital just shortly after arriving back in canada. he was very lovely and he wanted to try and set up some treatment for me which he felt could be beneficial. we were shocked and so grateful to be offered help. we left that appointment feeling as if we'd just won the lottery! however, last week, i got the very disappointing news that this had fallen through. i do believe this doctor was very sincere in his desire to help but his hands are tied by red tape and bureaucracy. it is so difficult to have your hopes raised only to have them come tumbling down again. it is what it is, and i must just pick up my hope, tenderly brush it off and carry on. 

DR H has set up supportive IV therapies for me thru a local ND and has started me on meds to address adrenal issues. i have had 3 very mild and mini tremor attacks since getting home. i'm on very powerful anti-nausea medication which has helped with the nausea a bit but has not stopped the episodes of vomiting. i have lost 6 lbs since the video was shot. i am tired and weak and as a result, have been laying low but i am hanging in.  i would appreciate your prayers. please pray for wisdom for my docs as they sort out what happened and what is happening. please pray for me as i continue to battle on.